Moon River AKA Fuck You McKesson

The tube of lubricant was right next to the exam table. I should have paid more notice to it instead of reading the big McKesson label on it. McKesson? I thought to myself, what do they make? That seems to be a brand name I should be able to associate with a product that's not in a doctor's office. Aren't they some big financial institute? Oh well, I guess I'll Google it later or something.

The doc came in and we had a little chat about family health history and recent ailments. Nothing special. I figured it's all part of the routine. He told me to strip down to my underwear and wait for him to come back, which I did. Then I noticed another McKesson product in the room. A box of latex gloves. Seriously, what the fuck does McKesson make? This is going to drive me nuts!

The doc came back in and started fashioning a small spear out of the other end of a long wooden Q-tip. We went through the whole soft-or-sharp exercise where he poked/stroked my whole body with his new toy and I passed with flying colors. Then he got out that funny hammer and checked all my reflexes. They were all fine.

What can I say, I'm in perfect health. Blood pressure was excellent. Nothing wrong with heart or lungs.

Then he said it's time to check the plumbing. Front first.

WTF??? Did I hear that right? Are you joking? I was not expecting that at all when I woke up this morning. And when did you have time to put on that latex glove anyway? Shifty bastard!

Cough this way, cough that way, turn around and bend over the exam table. Oh no!!!

(Click here if you're reading this in a reader)

And check out the Family Guy related video to see what I should have done:



Yeah! 39.5 years I've managed to make it in this life without some random dude shoving a finger in my ass. And what a shove it was, too. My head banged the wall behind the exam table. At one point I thought I might even pee from the pressure.

Then all of a sudden the pressure was gone. A box of tissues landed with a thud next to me on the exam table and the doctor snapped off the glove and said "clean yourself up, I'll be right back."

Holy Shit! Holey Shit, too!

I cleaned myself up and sat there for a few minutes trying to analyze what the hell just happened. Then I noticed the tube of lubricant again. The McKesson label seemed much smaller this time. The words "LUBRICANT GEL" seemed to be HUGE. Then I also saw the McKesson box of latex gloves. Once again, it didn't look the same this time around.

Then I saw a picture of the doctor's family on the table. His two young daughters had big smiles on their faces, as if to mock me. "We saw what daddy did to you, sucker," they seemed to say.

Well, fuck you McKesson!

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Self-Defense is NOT a War Crime

Watch this and pass along to anyone you know.



Here's the link to the complete text as well.

Roman the Rapist

So here comes a massive rant. Ready?

Roman Polanski is a convicted rapist. He plead guilty to drugging, raping and sodomizing a 13 year-old girl. And while waiting for the hammer to drop on his stupid head he realized what he was going to get and fled the country to live in exile.

Wait, what? Exile? He moved back to live in France, where he lived before he came to the US to sodomize 13 year old girls. Where they would not extradite his ass because they're cool with what he did. Fuck the French!

So now, he gets some award in Switzerland and the FBI nabs him as soon as he steps off the plane. And this is the part that is the most troubling to me. It seems like everyone is on this pervert's side. Hollywood is crying out to "Save Polanski". Whoopi Goldberg even said on The View that this was not "rape-rape". Oh yeah Whoopi? What do you call giving quaaludes to a kid and the fucking her in the ass against her will? I guess it's not "rape-rape" because it's technically "ass-rape", right?

Well, fuck you Roman Polanski. And fuck all who support you. You know what? Even if he didn't drug the girl and even if he didn't stick it in her ass and even if she consented to everything - he still had sex with a 13 year old kid and that's AGAINST THE LAW!!!

I for one hope he gets what he deserves. A nice bunk-bed in a tiny cell where he gets "ass-raped" on a nightly basis.

And since nothing is worth posting without a good video, here's an awesome mash-up of Roman the Rapist on "To Catch a Predator":

Some Poker, Double or Nothing and a Great Video

Played the neighborhood game last Friday and got my share of bad beats. "Any-Two" Snake hitting two pair on every flop makes it hard to play. Then he calls a gutshot on the flop and with me holding one of the outs and obviously rivers it.

Then BrainMc gets hit by the deck and I can't ever win a race so early end to my night. Stupid BrainMc chopped both games and made a pretty penny. So we invited him to a baseball game with a bunch of 4 year olds. Revenge!

On the bright side I won $4 from Chris playing Wii Guitar Hero. I played on Hard, he Medium and I still can't lose. I ROCK!

But here's a question for you about double or nothing. So we're playing heads-up Guitar Hero and he wants to bet $2 on the outcome, which in other words means he wants to give me $2. After he loses, I ask if he wants a re-match, which in other words means he wants to give me another $2. But then I ask if he wants to go double or nothing and he agrees.

To me a double or nothing means we double the bet to $4 per game, right? To everyone else it means we bet $2 again and I either get double (a total of $4) or nothing. I understand the logic, but what's the point of announcing it? Even if we play again for $2 without saying it's double or nothing, the result is the same. Right?

Whatever, here's a great video. It combines a semi-hot chick, British accents, fake football players and chocolate balls. I skipped the crap and went straight to the action. Enjoy:

The Poker Hos on The Amazing Race

Oh snap! Did I just say that in the title? That was mean spirited and I am truly sorry. I mean, it's not like I said they were non-profit hos, right?

Kajawife and I love watching The Amazing Race and were very disappointed that the first episode of the season was not recorded because apparently a re-run of High Stakes Poker is more important for my Tivo to record. But last night I just hooked up my laptop to the TV and streamed the episode from the CBS site and all was well with the world. Or so I thought.

The Poker Hos ^TM (I really need to trademark that phrase) were absolutely annoying. Let me count the ways:

1. Who goes on The Amazing Race and brings a rolling carry-on piece of luggage? I mean seriously! Did you see Maria Ho try to roll that thing down the stairs in Tokyo? Good plan. I guess they are hybrids and can convert to backpacks but most of the town the were dragging them around which only gives them one free hand to use. I have a sneaking suspicion this is going to hurt them at some point.
2. The obviously idiotic "bluff" about working for the non-profit homeless something or other. I told Kajawife that someone will know who they were because they were on TV and the poker media, but she said that not everyone watches the WSOP or poker on TV. So I said that Tiffany Michelle needs to cool it with the poker shirts and trucker hats that says she "plays with the boys" or whatever it was. Two seconds later they get outed at the airport. Brazilliant move, hos.
3. One 14-hour flight into the show and Ho tells Michelle she doesn't want to talk to her anymore. Nuff said.
4. Hitting on gay guys. Classic.
5. Making fun of Zev. Classy.
6. Maria choking on a Wassabi Bomb. Twice. She should have let Tiffany tackle this challenge and imagine it was a PTB (for those who don't know what that is, here's an anagaram for you to solve: Babe Morph Into Tort).
7. The constant stupid poker lingo. We bluffed and then needed a one-outer because we like to play games and we are good at observing and reading people and blah and yadda and oh give us all a break.

I can't write about this anymore. They sucked. They should be ecstatic that they got a break with that non-elimination and that Maria's road bump was to give someone soup made of four ingredients.

WCP kind of likes them though. But they are SEO addicts. That must be the reason.

A blog post in which I win!

Surprise! Surprise!

Hosted the monthly hood home game. Won the second game. Refused to chop and took it down after several bad beats and coolers where I doubled up my opponent heads-up. But I fought back and won it outright. And why did I refuse to chop? Cause I'm a winner, that's why.

And also because I had a prop bet from earlier in the afternoon with CE that I will win one of the games tonight without accepting a chop. And he busted from both games first.

And I won!

DirecTV Bonus FTW!

When I moved to my current home I asked the sales center what TV service is available and they told me that we would get Charter. When I called Charter the had no idea which neighborhood I was talking about. That was after I had to deploy special secret service covert-ops dudes to even figure out what number to call.

So my only real viable option was Dish Network or DirecTV. I went back and forth and then decided to go with DirecTV for no other reason than I just felt that they were a better brand. The other thing that worried me at the time was that I wasn't sure if Direct TV in Georgia carried local channels, but when they assured me they did and I wouldn't need those 19th century rabbit ears, it pretty much sealed the deal.

To sweeten the deal they gave use free this and free that which included a DVD player (which has since totally crapped out but seriously those things cost about $25 these days). Then a few years in we added another TV and they threw in a free DVR.

Now i haven't switched to HD yet since all my Tivos and TVs are standard def, but I know the option is there when I want it. I am just not sure I want to fork over all that money to upgrade everything and then lose my Tivos to the much inferior HD-DVRs. but I think that when the main TV in the basement has seen its last day we will make the switch. Also, Comcast has come around and installed cable in our neighborhood so I will then need to make a decision about the triple-play or whatever it is they offer. There are other issues with that, like losing my land line that is required for my security system, but I might just switch to a wireless system anyway. The other problem is losing all my email accounts by switching to cable modem.

Anyway, this is not what the post is about. it's about the awesome THANK YOU I got from Direct TV for being a loyal customer for 5 years. Out of the blue they sent me a letter thanking me for my loyalty and enabled Showtime (and all related channels) for a whole year, free of charge. Now granted, Showtime sucks HBO's balls when it comes to content and I have yet to watch a single movie, but I thought that was a great customer retention and relationship building move on DirecTV's part.

So thank you Direct TV. You rock (unless the weather doesn't cooperate)!

Fall Style Guide

Last day of summer? I guess so. it wasn't really summer this year anyway. I mean seriously, sub-80 degree weather in Atlanta in August? Global cooling...

Anyway, it's time to buy some clothes for fall/winter and so you should head over to ShopWiki and check out their Men's Fall Style Guide. Since my 4 year old daughter seems to only like boys and has proclaimed her love and plans for marriage I think i need to get a new Military Jacket to make sure these boys know I mean business.

One thing I don't need is a new Men's Suit. I got a bunch of those in the closet that I haven't worn in a long time. I hate wearing suits and I don't understand people who enjoy wearing them. The only suit I like to wear is my birthday suit, boo-ya!

I mean, even a shirt & tie can drive me nuts. The idea of that tie choking me all day long sends shivers up my spine. Is it up my spine or down my spine? Hmmm...

If you ask my neighbors, they will tell you that my standard wardrobe consists of shorts and a t-shirt. But I don't wear fancy shorts like some women do. I buy them in bulk at Costco. Only a woman can have the audacity to buy a pair of shorts that cost $505. Seriously, WTF?

Crazy Mexicans

How many cases of swine flu will be reported after this massive gathering of almost 14K crazy Mexicans who decided to dance MJ's Thriller? Oh, wait, they're already dead dancing zombies: